will you just smile at me again

for the first time all ear im starting to smile…im getting closer and closer to happy and im really gaining some faith in myself that i can do this….i look at where i was 5 months ago and look at where i am now and its a world of a difference theese 2 weeks alone have been. i think finidng new firends was the best thing i couldve done for myself and it takes a lot of guts to stand up for urself and i can proudly say i did. all around ive been improving my health as much as i possibly can and pushing myself and esometimes talking to myself to re assure myself that this is a must if i want to be healthy. im slowly making progress and with the support of my amazing family and new friends and my bff in the entire fricken world samb who has truly been my fricken savior and perri whos srsly a sweetheart i know itll all b ok. my mom and dad have srsly proven to me how fucken amazing they are like srsly i couldnt have been bessed with anyone better. sometime me and madre fight like no other but at the end of the day ik she means well. tho this yr has been absolute hell..what doesnt kill ya makes u stronger…then again everything happens for a reason…so college anyone?! ahah SATS to b continued…..ill do my best whatever happens happens soo i guess we will just have to wait and see wat college will bring.

for the past 5/6 yrs i wuld always tell ppl i had two bestfriends name sam…now i have one . and truthfully im glad to say it. my bestfriend sam is the most supportive, cring, fun, hysterical, sweetest ppl ik and ive never doubted even for a second our freindship. on the other hand the other sam…ive doubted us before…how two totally different ppl culd b “bff” all i can say to her is goodluck in life bc u clearly cant find ur way out of a paper bag on ur own. its called independence. figure it out someday. i finally see how lubz must feel now and i truly feel awful i wish i culd go bak in time and change “replacing” her bc up untill now i havent realized it but i did. and honestly it wuld save us both the trouble id get bak my 5 yrs i wasted with u and she can have her shitty bestfriend who ditched her and talks mad shit about her…ohh wait mayb wer both better off with out u…and when sammy ditches ur ass bc she already talks shit about u and gets annoyed at u 24 7 who r u gunna cling onto next? i dont think u have anyone next so better hold on pretty damn tight bc once shes gone ull realize u cant spend ur life following everyone around grow a pair and b ur own person for once in ur life. but its not even about that. its the fact that ur selfcentered, u lie like no other and u truly dont deserve me as a friend. ive had ur bak since the 6thg rade. i ditched popularity to hang out with ur sorry ass. and i dont wanna b popular and inever will if it comes with the territory it does in syosset,but now i know i dont wanna b ur firend either. i have so many better ppl in my life erasing u from it is the best thing i culdve done considering its only been 2 days and it feels amazing. andthe worst part is? even tho u rnt ther for me when alan breaksup with u for not going to afterprom aka he doesnt give a shit about u ill probably still b the only one to comfort u bc clearly sammy doesnt give a shit and lets b honest..who else do u have…so think about that the night before u leave to college…nobody wants ur sorry ass clinging on to them when ur suppost to b having the time of ur life with independence and freedom…enjoyy ;) 

i wish icould say i still feel like ur my bestfriend…and ik u dont see it the same way i ddo but its the truth! were different ppl now. wer not the same little girls we wer bak in 6th grade. this summer changed us. people change people grow up its part of life…i never thought it wuld happen to us tho but it did. i cant pretend it didnt anymore bc im holding myself and u bak. we need to start hanging out with otehr ppl, it doenst mean wer not friends bc no matter what ill always have ur bak and ik ull have mine, ur truly in my heart forever but its time for us both to be real and admit it wer not who we used to be and we cant pretend like nothings changed or like wer as close bc plain and simple wer not. it kills me to see u and her act like bestfriends now even tho im the one tht let r friendship dwindle. im kinda lost this yr but the old me wuld say thers a light at the end of the tunnel and thers a reason for everything and ive always believed that, ive always lived by those few words and i see where it culd fit in this situation but if everything happens for a reason…whats my reason for having this disorder? did i do something that made me deserve this? i keep telling myself that thers always someone out ther in a worse positiion and i have no right to sit here upset when someone out there is struggling more than i am. and i try my best, ik being upset wont change a thing i just wish i culd get my head straightsometimes…its like my brain never shutsup…i never EVER get a full night sleep last week was the first time i onl woke up twice during the night it was a miracle!this yr has just been a disaster i know my friend r trying to hang out with  me but truthfully i dont want to! i keep avoiding all of them bc i dont enjoy hanging out with them anymore i dont have tht connectioni used to and i want to start hanging out with other ppl but i simply dont have the time…i feel like this isnt real…when did this become me…when did i stop being that insale positvie happy go lucky girl who even in the worst possible situation where everythign shitty wuld happen to me wuld remain happy…to now…one little itsy bitsy thing and im ready to explode… i want a mix of the old and new i want my independence and my strong moral will determination perserverence but i want my old outlook my old smile and positive attitude i want to be normal again….

i cant do this its like living in hell…. when did this even happen …why did this even happen

i wont let it win b im better than that. it wont consume me anymore. imma fighter. things are getting better i feel it….not just in that aspect but everythign my mood too! better things are in my reach…speaking of which just got a text ;) i think i really like him… i never like nice guys…this is a first BUT im scared ill do what i always do become attatched get hurt and be left upset. idt i can handle it again so as of now ill try my best not to grow obsessed or attatched bc clearly i have an obsessive personality…perfectionist issues# achievertothemax# #cancerbabies

yolooo…live it right. tackle each day one step at a time.